Derek faces culture shock, costly habits, and a hovering daughter — but marries Toy anyway.
Burning My Boats
Derek worries he won’t see Michael again after his ex-wife leaves with Michael in her car. He explains how Culture Shock is getting to him, but how Toy is helping him cope. He also explains Thai Healthcare, the Thai Dowry system, and Mai Pen Rai — with helpful external links.
He realises that his friends are really Toy’s friends, not his. Problems arise when Toy insists on eating out at expensive restaurants all the time and when her daughter, Kanya, hovers around them both during private moments.
Despite that, Derek decides to marry Toy.
It was a strange feeling arriving in Thailand without a return ticket in my pocket. I felt I had escaped and could no longer return. That I had burnt my boats. That I had made a decision I could not now change.
Would I see Michael again? Would we be able to keep in touch? I felt like I was starting out on a new adventure and that I was losing my old life. I was relieved about that but I did not want to lose Michael. That part I wanted to keep.
Toy’s first words were, “You’re in my country now”. That gave me a sensation of security and made me less anxious. I was glad to be with Toy again and with someone that I could trust. She had eased me into Thai life before; she could do so again. I would not be alone.
It was the first time she had ever used those words. It was comforting and welcoming. Later, I put a different interpretation when she said, “You’re in my country now”. Toy was emphasising that life here was not perfect and I’d find some uncomfortable comparisons with the England I was leaving.
Living here permanently is very unlike spending a few months here knowing you will be going back to your home country.
I caught myself thinking of the same things over and over again. On extended holidays, you have travel insurance to cover medical bills etc. As an expat, such insurance is either very expensive or has severe limitations of cover. Hospitals and doctors are businesses in Thailand.
No services are “free” as we would consider them in the West. In the UK of course welfare systems are not really free. We pay through taxes and national insurance contributions, and usually take out less than we put in over a working lifetime.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Healthcare_in_Thailand
As a resident on a one-year renewable visa extension of stay, you are aware that the laws in Thailand can be less protective of your rights than in the West. You notice corruption and how Thais are class conscious more than you would while on holiday.
Meeting Old Friends
I was pleased to meet Mali, Pakpao, and Weelai again. They always smiled and gave me a wai whenever they saw me. I was still a frequent visitor at the school. I knew few other Thais and those I knew were really friends or associates of Toy.
It dawned on me that I was not building up my own social group amongst the Thais. I was sort of integrating but only vicariously through Toy. I was not making my own friends. Take Toy out of the equation and I would become the typical lonely foreigner having to rely on expat clubs and other places where foreigners congregate to meet and talk to people.
We have most of our meals at restaurants rather than cooking at home. That was okay when I was on holiday but, as a permanent arrangement, it was becoming expensive. More often than not, we ate with friends and I always took care of the tab.
In Thailand, it is the older or more senior person who pays. Custom or not, this was an outlay I could not afford on a regular basis. We tried to limit our evening excursions to just a few times a week and to do more home cooking. I have always liked making my own meals, so that was no hardship.
I was looking forward to experimenting with a few western recipes for Toy to try. She liked the occasional meal, but we still tended to eat out most evenings.
Thai food is inexpensive and I like most dishes so long as they are not too spicy. Some of the roadside stalls offer tasty and properly cooked food though there is not a great deal of variety. For around 70 or 80 baht you can have a typical Thai meal with rice or noodles.
Thailand’s roadside food stalls offer food from very early morning to late at night. You’ll never fail to find one open. To ensure freshness, always go to stalls which are busy with lots of customers. Most sellers keep their equipment scrupulously clean and don’t use chemicals.
Restaurants had more choice and always had air con and you could order a beer. Of course, more expensive. This was Toy’s usual choice for somewhere to eat. I craved for the occasional McDonald’s and usually once a week we would eat at a western owned pub or restaurant.
At those pubs in the centre of Chiangmai, the Thai meals were a little more expensive than at Thai owned establishments and the western food was certainly dearer. They were always crowded with expats and their wives and girlfriends.
With such a captive market, one could see how they could get away with higher prices.
Wholesale food costs, rent, energy charges, and labour are cheap in Thailand and these restaurants make better margins than they would if they operated in a western country. To be honest, it is a bit of a fight to get Toy to realise we can’t eat out every night. I am not a “cheap Charlie” as she calls some Westerners, but I’m on a pension and don’t have an endless supply of cash.
Are we a Couple or a Threesome.
We get to see Kanya a lot more than we used to. She is a bright and lively young lady and she’s good company. But you can have too much of a good thing. We’ll have to establish some ground rules on how often we meet as a threesome. I hope to marry Toy one day and as much as I love Kanya and will do anything for her, I see Toy and myself as a couple who should have some time of our own together.
Thais are so family oriented that they cannot seem to switch children and relatives off for even one minute. A clash of cultures, I suppose. We would expect to see family regularly in the West, but not as often as the Thais do.
We still spent time visiting markets and temples. Sometimes they are very similar and you think you’ve seen it all before. Then you visit one that is so different with a character of its own that you cannot resist taking a score of photos. I never get bored at browsing round the street markets with their distinctive smells of cooking and the fresh odours of fruits like Durian.
I don’t tire of the craft shops. Maybe I will one day. I’ve always been a great one for window-shopping. In Thailand, of course, there ain’t no windows! The traders display all their wares in the open, only rushing to cover them when the skies darken and the refreshing rain comes.
When it does rain you tend to get a good downpour and not a drizzle. It commonly lasts only a quarter of an hour or so. Having said that, we’ll now probably get a four-hour tropical storm and have to batten down all the hatches!
The smiles and the apparent happiness and contentment with life are part and parcel of every Thai’s existence. Unless you have been here it is almost impossible to describe how the whole atmosphere of Thailand gets to you. It’s so easy to forget some of the realities of life here. I suppose I’m going through a honeymoon period with the country.
Toy tries to explain how we should live for today and not worry about tomorrow. This is the mai pen rai attitude that is instilled in every Thai. Whatever will be, will be. I can identify with that to some extent. It is less traumatic and it puts minor frustrations into perspective.
https://understanding-thailand.com/everyday-examples-of-mai-pen-rai/
However, I prefer to plan for possible unexpected costs in the future and try to budget accordingly. I have to consider meeting medical costs in a country with no welfare provision.
I get used to going along to an appointment and finding the office is closed for the day. No warning; no apology. You book a restaurant meal and they’re closed when you turn up. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. You have to be Thai and have this “it doesn’t matter” view of life to understand it.
However, I still get uptight from time to time, however much Toy tells me that I shouldn’t.
Thais Have Busy Social Lives
We go to quite a lot of functions: weddings, school events, house-warmings, and events at the wat. It has always amazed me how many people turn up in Thailand for such occasions. They are fundamentally social events for all the community to join in, at funerals especially. It’s a country where a friend of your friend becomes your friend too.
Thais will travel great distances to attend the funeral of someone they last met at school and whom they only occasionally meet or chat with on the phone. I’m slowly finding more and more differences between how we do things in the West compared with how it happens here. Things are rarely what they seem. I know that I must try not to accept everything at face value.
We meet many people at these get-togethers. There is always some distant connection with Toy. The last one we went to was for the wedding of the daughter of a friend of Toy’s boss. We’d never met her or her family. Everyone had a great time and we gave the usual cash envelope that is traditional in Thailand.
A local dignitary gave the main speech. I think he was a former member of parliament. A Thai family will always try to find someone important on occasions like these. He does not have to have any links with the family.
House hunting became a daily event for us and I enjoyed it immensely. There were so many on offer and the sales staff were bending over backwards to show you around. Glasses of water were refreshed as you walked around the moobaan (estate, project) from show house to show house. Young girls came rushing up with umbrellas when the sun got hot.
This show of caring kindness is so typical of the Thai. Not only is it endearing but also you get addicted to it. You begin to expect it all the time. It’s usually genuine but you sometimes wonder if the flirting is to impress the Westerner who has money. Maybe I am reading too much into that.
The show houses are meticulously clean, they are swept several times a day. The garden is carefully manicured, and the furniture on display instinctively makes you want to buy the property. You won’t of course get the furniture if or when you buy. And, as we found out later, you don’t get the same quality in the house you actually purchase either.
Maybe you should wait to purchase the show house when the moobaan has reached the end of its selling program. We must have visited about twenty such estates developed by different companies until we found the location and size house Toy wanted and which I could afford.
We signed up with a new build some twenty kilometers from Chiangmai. It is in a convenient location and not so big that you feel there’s not much of a community spirit.
There are some foreigners here but I don’t meet them often.
How Thais Get Their Own Way
Thais can be very persuasive. Without arguing, they get their way by repeatedly making subtle suggestions. Toy may well be right about expats always preferring to live in gated moobaans. Never having lived in an ordinary Thai village, I cannot really judge. Only one of my expat friends lives in a village and he seems to like it, probably easier for him to get to know his neighbours and join in village activities.
I tend to go along with Toy’s ideas. I don’t speak Thai and outside her own social circle, I don’t know any Thais personally. Perhaps I should try to create more space for myself and get out a bit more and have a fresher circle of friends, whether Thai or Western. I must give it some thought.
Toy works every day and sometimes has to do a “duty” day at weekends. Usually once a month, when she supervises pupils at the boarding school. Either she takes the car or I drop her off. As I am home all day, I do my share of the household chores. I don’t wear an apron all day long but I am proficient at loading and unloading washing machines and my ironing skills are second to none.
Facebook, YouTube, and the internet are godsends for the expat. You can download a great deal from the UK BBC sites. It keeps you up to date with the foreign news and you can catch up with your favourite soaps or programmes. I cycle to the front of the estate each morning to get my Bangkok Post, the daily Thai newspaper in English for expats.
Derek and Toy Marry
My routine for the next weeks will be different, however. I have made up my mind. I am getting married to Toy.
She does not want a formal wedding or party, though we will have some friends round after we sign all the registers at the amphur, the local government office.
It took just twenty minutes at the office. I had prepared all my documentation in advance: passport, visa, permission to stay, a letter from the British consul to certify that I was free to marry. Only a nominal charge from the Thai amphur. The consulate’s fee was several thousand baht and they made no checks, I just signed an affidavit.
I had to go back twice to get the letter. The operation at the Thai government office was much slicker. An efficient production line and it got the job done. I opened a bottle of bubbly when we got home.
We had a great party in the evening. Neither of us had truly wanted a big fuss, we had both been married before. Her father lives in Tak, a long way away, so he did not come. We’ll pop down there next weekend as we need to pay a nominal dowry, the Thai sinsot.
https://thaidatinginsider.com/en/blog/thai-sin-sod-dowry/
The payments are not strictly due when the woman is divorced, widowed, or of a certain age, but most foreigners end up paying it, as I did. However erroneous, we are always perceived as having more money than Thais have Families come to expect their generosity.
Today’s Bangkok Post newspaper commented on a police report filed against a foreigner for refusing to pay a marriage dowry. It has no force in law but the man may find he ends up paying it. Amazing Thailand.
We’ll spend the next few evenings eating and drinking the night away to celebrate the start of my married life in Thailand with the Thai goddess I first met those many We’ll spend the next few evenings eating and drinking the night away to celebrate the start of my married life in Thailand with the Thai goddess I first met those many years ago on an internet dating site.
Keep up to date on Derek and Toy’s true story by checking out the link below. It lists all the posts already written in the Series in case you’ve missed them and shows the few remaining topics still to come, without giving too much away.
https://understanding-thailand.com/escape-to-thailand-the-full-series/
© Matt Owens Rees May 2026
