Spending Time at Toy’s School

Cruel Words from His Ex-Wife, Cruel Words from His Boss

Spending Time at Toy’s School

Derek describes his Christmas in Thailand, helping at Toy’s school. The U.K. house is eventually sold, but only after rude outbursts from his ex-wife about his Thai Whore. He cries when she throws a sentimental stamp collection away. Derek gives his views on how Thai education could be improved by employing long-term expats as volunteer teachers.

He talks about his difficulties in learning Thai and his experiences of Expat Clubs in Chiang Mai. Derek has a bee in his bonnet about inequality in Thailand and over-expensive meals. He vividly describes his last days working for the bank and the trauma that ensues.

I enjoyed my Christmas break in Thailand. I couldn’t see myself ever being in the UK over Christmas again. My mind was continually on the house sale, I could not block it out. But neither did I want to discuss it with Toy. It probably wasn’t a good idea to bottle up the worry and stress inside me. I simply didn’t want to burden her with my problems.

I spent a lot of time at Toy’s school. I corrected the English translations the teachers had drafted for their school promotions. I even tidied up the English in a document that the school had to send to the Thai capital, Bangkok. I’d have liked to have seen more efforts from the education ministry in Bangkok in improving teachers’ command of the English language.

That was not a problem unique to Toy’s school. Funds for salaries and teacher training are limited in Thailand’s government schools. The international schools where you pay high annual fees have no such constraints.

There are fewer qualified foreign nationals teaching in Thai schools and universities than in other countries in the Asean group. Where foreigners are employed, the standards are not always that high and one wonders if references are ever checked.

Many of the other countries in Asean pay foreign teachers more than those employed in Thailand. They thus attract the better teacher. Some neighbouring countries appear to have a more forward-looking view of the importance of education and have greater resources to spend on it.

In order of GDP (gross domestic product, an economic indicator of a country’s wealth), the IMF has ranked each Asean country, giving the highest first. Singapore, Brunei, South Korea, Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, Philippines, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, and Burma. Thailand’s GDP is 16% of that for Singapore, so clearly the country has limited funds for education and other needs.

Some backpackers and expats teach informally despite not having any English language or teaching qualifications and experience. Some are extremely competent, and have a natural aptitude for teaching; most have limited English skills themselves.

Being able to speak colloquial English should not be a passport to teaching English as a foreign language. Thai schools are effectively forced to accept this largely free supply because of lack of funds. While backpackers can earn more in other Asean countries, many who stay here do so because they like the Thai lifestyle. They are not concerned about the low salaries and lack of future career opportunities.

One solution may be to take advantage of the large number of long-term tourists and expats that are in the country. Encouraging them to improve the conversational and pronunciation skills of Thailand’s native teachers. By arranging workshops where the Thai teachers and English born speakers could get together, standards would improve.

Thai schools should take more care in the recruitment of volunteer English teachers. It works in the Philippines.

Learning Thai

Initially, I was annoyed with myself for not making a serious attempt to learn Thai and talk with the locals in their own language. But, on speaking with other expats, I learnt that they hadn’t bothered to learn Thai.They relied on their wives and partners in communicating with other Thais.

If these expats could survive here without knowing the language, I saw no reason why I couldn’t do so. Would that result in my not fully fitting in? At the time, I was convinced not.

Even many of those that had been determined to get to grips with the language of the country they were now permanently living in had given up after a few months. Thai is a tonal language and how you pronounce a word can alter its meaning. Ma, pronounced in different ways, can mean horse, dog, and come. Kao has four meanings: fishy (suspicious), news, rice, and white.

Those words are written differently in Thai script of course.
horse ม้า, dog หมา, come มา, fishy (suspicious) น่าสงสัย, news ข่าว, rice ข้าว, white ขาว

There is no single official way for a Thai word to be written using the English alphabet. It’s confusing, for example, for the foreigner to see place names on road signs spelt differently all the time. The town of Sarapi can be written Sarapi, Sarapii, or Sarapee. In Thai script, of course, there is only one spelling.

If you learn he Thai alphabet, it will enable you to pronounce the words correctly. The anglicised version on the right of the table above is a good but not perfect guide. Few road signs in rural areas are in transliteration anyway. They’re only in Thai script. Chinese pinyin, by contrast, has only one anglicised form.

Thai Expat Clubs

I went along to a local expats club to try to widen the number of English-speaking people I knew. I was conscious that almost all my acquaintances so far were Toy’s work mates. It would, I thought, be vital for me to have a wider social circle to include both Thai and farang friends.

The clubby set-up did not appeal to me one bit. There seemed to be a little bitchiness against Thais in general, always finding fault and criticising at every opportunity. In addition, there was always some expat hovering around trying to rent you a condominium or sell you insurance.

I felt uneasy and knew that that was not for me. I wanted to integrate and have a mix of Thai and foreign friends, but not in such an artificial commercial environment. If I settled here, I would have to work on integrating and not just meet with Toy’s acquaintances.

I was sure Toy would help me fit in when, with a bit of luck, I was able to make my final escape to the land of my dreams. I was in love with Toy. She had showed she wanted to care for me and she was clearly motivated to our becoming a happy family together. Just me, Toy, and Kanya.

Thai Society is Money Oriented

Being secure is key to a Thai’s thinking. There is no welfare state and the class system, the feudal-like hierarchy, can be tough for some if they are not born in the right family or do not have the right connections. Most Thais are content with their lot, unable to change their position in life. They seek security and stability in the family group and in the community. Others find a foreigner to provide for them.

Hence the reason, I suppose, for lots of Thai women, like Toy, to frequent the internet dating sites where they can meet foreigners.

Thailand is a money society and upward mobility is achieved more by paying cash under the table and having influential contacts than by any form of meritocracy. Opportunities are not readily available for Thais, however ambitious they may be. I could see why so many choose to have a relationship with a foreigner. It secured a better standard of living and a guaranteed financial future.

I Never Looked Back

I left Thailand the day after New Year’s Day, having enjoyed immensely a western style dinner and dance in one of Chiangmai’s hotels. There were many expats there and I soaked up the western atmosphere. It is strange how you yearn to have contact with English speakers. They have a different sense of humour from the Thais and I felt more in tune with them.

I don’t know anything about Thai humour but they are always smiling so it must exist. Toy is always quiet at these functions. She is more outgoing with Thais but only those within her own social circle.

The Rich Man in his Castle. The Poor Man at his Gate

The rich man in his castle,
The poor man at his gate,
God made them, high or lowly,
And ordered their estate.

For a fuller explanation of this quote, and why it’s now controversial in the U.K., take a look at this link.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cecil_Frances_Alexander

Like all Thais, Toy has a perception of who are her equals and who are not. Knowing your place is an accepted feature of Thainess and its rules of class and hierarchy. Sometimes though, I considered Toy was looking down on others in a way that is foreign to me and I get a little uneasy when she does it. It’s a minor point, I suppose.

In making friends with Thais, the onus is always on the foreigner to make the first move. Thais will smile but will not be over familiar when you first meet. There is some caution in their attitude towards the foreigner. Expats who speak some Thai and go along with the culture fare better on making real friends.

Sometimes I worry if not integrating properly, not speaking some Thai, not always understanding their way of doing things, could be a setback. But I have Toy to smooth the way for me. I’m always meeting people through her.

If ever I were hospitalised, it would not be easy to explain my symptoms or pains. Being in a totally Thai environment when ill may be a tense experience, not conducive to recovery, and mentally taxing. Some nurses speak a little English and all are, I am sure, very caring, but only hearing Thai most of the time and only having Thai food would not make me feel too comfortable.

I’m happy with Toy and Thailand, but I am an Englishman at heart and like things the English way.

Our Christmas Meal

The meal at the hotel was expensive but of high quality and the wide range of Thai and western dishes meant that both Toy and I could eat exactly what we wanted. Meals over the festive season seldom offer value for money anywhere in the world.

Here in Thailand, it’s an opportunity for restaurateurs, Thai and foreign, to make a real killing. They pay their staff their normal wages, holiday premiums not applying in this country even on New Year’s Eve. Low labour costs do not translate into lower prices in those places.

Back to Work

I went back to work the day after I arrived back in Blighty and was pretty tired by the time I got home in the evening. I envy people who seem to have no problems with jet lag.

The mood in the office was cold and unpleasant. Everyone appeared to be watching their backs for the next episode of whatever management game was coming next and the extra workload that inevitably followed.

The completion documents on the house were going to be signed on Tuesday so I arranged to take the afternoon off. “That’s very inconvenient,” I was told. I was taking it as a half day of my holiday entitlement and surely a few hours to sign legal documents on the sale of one’s own house was normal practice. They thought they were being reasonable. I did not.

All went well at the solicitor’s though the ex and I neither spoke to each other nor had eye contact. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. In Thailand, there would have been smiles all-round, even if they were not genuine smiles of happiness.

We did manage to speak to each other a little over the weekend. I had already worked out what I would keep and what I would discard from my possessions in the granny annex. The ex and I walked around the house to decide what we would each take from the main house and arrange for the rest to be taken to the local recycling centre.

It’s amazing what you collect, but never use and do not really need, over some sixteen years of marriage. Old fashioned cd and record players. The spare washing machine in the outhouse that we never used. Some of my gardening and do it yourself tools could be sold to the buyer of our house or sold through an advert in the local newspaper. We would split the proceeds, she said. I saw only a fraction of that money.

She wanted to keep the stamp collection that we had built up together “for sentimental reasons”. It was not valuable, just new issue English stamps and those we bought from our holidays abroad or given to us by friends. I used to look at the albums occasionally. She never did. She was totally uninterested. But, if she wanted them, I was not prepared to argue. She could have them.

I hired a truck for the next day and we went to the council yard together. I handled the heavier stuff and she carried the lighter bundles to the various skips. One of the first things to go was her “sentimental” stamp collection.

When I got home, I buried my head in my hands and cried. I could not understand why she could be so heartless and cruel. I went on the internet and sent an email to Toy. I did not mention what had happened but it cheered me up to be able to write a few words to her. Toy was fast becoming my anchor. And I think she knew it.

Sent to the Headmaster’s Study

Got to the bank on the Tuesday morning and was called in to the boss’s office before I had a chance to take my coat off and sit down. One of my workmates suggested I put some padding in the back of my trousers. “You are being called into the headmaster’s study, Derek,” he told me. I grinned widely.

I was told that the bank was taking a serious view of my taking a few hours off work. I asked if this was a change of policy, that the number of days’ holiday I was allowed was no longer being honoured. No answer. The tirade went on. He did all the talking from then on. I was spending more time in Thailand or on the sick list than I spent working in the bank, he said.

I had indeed spent a great deal of time in Thailand but I was only using my agreed holiday entitlement. If that was more generous than in other industries, then so be it.

And yes, I had been off work for months. Again, not my fault. I did not think I owed my employer any favours.

The bank was continually downsizing. The technique habitually used was to find fault with one’s work until you gave up and left of your own accord. It was standard practice. The strain gets to you in the end. This went on for a full hour. I had had enough. You can take my one-month’s notice, I said. There is still some holiday due to me so I will leave in three weeks time.

Until then, I will do my job but do not put other work on my desk. It won’t get done. I’ll do what I’m paid to do. I turned and walked out. I never spoke or saw my boss again. The relief was overwhelming. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Difficult to explain how happy and stress-free I felt.

I would work out my notice, get my ticket sorted out for Thailand, and in less than one month, I would be with Toy. I had nowhere else to go anyway. The completion date was fixed. I would have to get out.

I had no leaving party and just got up and left on my last day. A smile, a quick “cheerio” and I was away. My flight was in two days’ time.

I had kept Toy informed of my travel arrangements and what was happening with the house, though I spared her the more unpleasant details of what had been going on. I don’t think she would have comprehended how western people can act in such circumstances. She would not have believed a word of what I said if I had told her.

I did have a strange sense of leaving everything behind. All I had worked for. The house and garden. Would I miss my friends? Many I had not seen lately. I had spent a lot of time in Thailand and when you are divorced you suddenly aren’t invited out to social functions as much.

It was only much later that I would realise that some of what we take for granted in England does not exist in Thailand. Thais are not great book lovers and there are few libraries in Thailand. I think they are mainly in Bangkok and the universities. I missed popping down the pub and having a chat and a joke with the locals.

The lack of a welfare system and national health care only becomes a concern when you are retired or in hospital and find you are struggling to pay the bills.

The concepts of equality and democracy are different here. Following regulations and keeping to the law is not something Thais generally observe.

When you have left permanently you appreciate what you had before.

I had booked the taxi to the airport for 10 in the morning and arranged to see Michael to say my goodbye before it arrived. Just before 9.30, my ex-wife drove out of the drive with my son in the front seat. They had disappeared into the distance by the time I ran outside to try to stop them.

The taxi was on time. I got in. I never looked back.

For more stories about Derek and Toy, go to this link

https://understanding-thailand.com/escape-to-thailand-the-full-series/