He left England with little more than a suitcase and a plane ticket. He hadn’t planned to move to Thailand — he planned to survive. What follows is an honest, sometimes uncomfortable account of a blind date that became a new life, love across cultures, life as a farang, and the Thailand that guidebooks don’t show you.
Escape to Thailand.
Although names have been changed,this is a true story. Over the coming months, I will share Derek's experiences, frustrations, and hopes as he makes a permanent move to Thailand. Some expats will recognise themselves in these pages. Others will have arrived at very different conclusions about life here.Not everyone who knows Derek believes he fully understands the Thais — and sometimes he is the first to admit it. Western and Thai cultures are not the same. We do not think like them. They do not think like us. That clash runs through everything that follows.Some Background to Derek's Story
Following a bitter divorce and a forced early retirement, Derek struggles to make the final decision to leave England. The turmoil inside him is visible in everything he does. The questions he asks himself, the doubts that surface without warning, the moments of misplaced confidence quickly swallowed by fear.Is he doing the right thing? He cannot say for certain, and he is honest enough not to pretend otherwise.
He talks about the cultural differences that awaited him and how he coped with them. Comparing his experience with those of expat friends whose adjustments were entirely different. Culture shock, it turns out, is not a fixed quantity. It arrives differently for everyone.
Is Derek really settled? Are there unpleasant surprises ahead? Who is wearing the trousers — Derek, or his wife Toy? Is he seeing only the acceptable face of Thai life? There are travel writers on the internet who look away from the uncomfortable side of Thailand. Derek tries not to.
Escape to Thailand is biographical. It is not a judgment on anyone. It examines what a relationship between a farang and a Thai actually looks like from the inside.Not the version sold to tourists, but the daily reality of two people from different worlds trying to build something together.Later in his story, Derek sketches pen portraits of other expats he has come to know. In their stories, he looks for reflections of his own.
The problems of Thai and western relationships — even those that seem manageable in the short term — surface throughout. Derek's account of his early days here doesn't resolve them neatly. That would be dishonest.
Some expats may have similar experiences; others will have widely different observations on their lives here. Not everyone who knows Derek thinks he really understands the Thais.
Sometimes he fails to grasp what is really happening around him. Western and Thai cultures are very different. We don’t think like them. They don’t think like us. A clash of cultures. Following a bitter divorce and a forced early retirement from his job, Derek struggles making the final decision to leave England.
Readers will notice the turmoil going on in his head when he realises what he’s leaving behind in the land of his birth. We see from his questioning that he’s still unsure whether he is doing the right thing or not.
One moment he is confident and contented; another, full of doubt and fear.
Derek explains how he felt about some of the cultural differences that awaited him and how he coped with them. He compares them with the very different experiences that some of his expat friends encountered. Culture shock is not the same for everyone.
You see him getting to grips with his new life but is he really settled here? Are there going to be some unpleasant surprises in store for him? Who is wearing the trousers? Derek or his wife Toy? Was he seeing only the acceptable parts of Thai life? Certainly, there are travel bloggers on the internet who turn a blind eye to the unacceptable side of Thailand.
Escape to Thailand is biographical and not judgmental or critical of anyone. It looks at how a relationship between a farang and a Thai is not the same as that which would exist between two Thais. Later, Derek writes some pen portraits of other expats he knows. Does he see similarities with his own life here? Can he perhaps learn something from their experiences?
The problems of Thai and western relationships, even if they seem to be surmountable in the short term, are brought out in Derek’s version of his early days in Thailand.
The biography becomes a “fly on the wall” experience for the reader. Seeing what the average tourist or visitor rarely sees.With its close attention to the lives of ordinary Thais, the biography offers something closer to a fly-on-the-wall account than a travel memoir. Readers will see what the average tourist rarely does.
Let’s get back, in Derek’s own words, to when he eventually decided to visit Thailand for the first time.
We’re airborne
Get off this plane now.
But it was too late. Thai Airways Flight TG 911 was preparing for take-off. Rather an unfortunate flight number given, the events in America in 2001.
The 747 jumbo let loose the power of its four engines with a roar. With the brakes released, all 340 or so passengers, including me, were forced back into their seats. We were leaving London Heathrow’s runway 2 and starting our ascent into the mid-morning sky.
Thoughts of what would be awaiting me after 3 hours in the airport lounge and 13 hours of flying time were beginning to worry me. Had I really thought my situation out properly?
I gulped down yet another complimentary double scotch. Hoping these would help me relax on what I thought would be a boring and tedious flight into the unknown.
I was flying to a blind date with a woman, much younger than me, that I had met on an internet-dating site. She had invited me over to Thailand on two previous occasions. I declined them all. This time, for reasons I was still uncertain of, I had decided to take up her offer. But was I thinking straight?
I was facing a financial and personal crisis that I couldn’t see my way around. After 16 years, like so many other marriages it would seem, mine had suddenly hit a brick wall.
The only matter that remained following the divorce was the sale of the matrimonial home. This was becoming a protracted and tiresome issue. I was lucky to some extent. The house was large enough for both of us to live separate lives. I lived in the self-contained granny annex. It became my sanctuary after the degree absolute.
She lived in the main house. My routine was returning home late in the evening after a long day at the bank. And, like many fathers, seeing my young son only at weekends.
Few Opportunities to be with My Son
My ex-wife, however, seemed to be making sure my son was committed to doing something else whenever I was present. She was leaving me very little time with him. I could see that this was going to be the pattern for the future. The only occasions I had with my son were when she decided she wanted to socialise and go out on the town. In her eyes, I was just the convenient unpaid baby-sitter.
If I were ever delayed through being caught up in a traffic jam, she was always quick to point the nagging finger. Saying I didn’t care a jot for my son. If it spoilt her planned excursions into the night, it was always down to me.
My neighbours, whom I had known for years, often saw me driving at break-neck speed to return home. Screeching down our drive just as she was bundling Michael in the car to dump him at a friend’s home.
Nothing was going to spoil her own prearranged evening soirée. My son would be left, without company of his own age, with an elderly couple he hardly knew.
Jane could do as she wanted. I could not even be two or three minutes late. My neighbours were sympathetic and could see what was going on. However concerned they were, there was nothing they could do to counter the devious game she was determined to play.
She was 10 years younger than me. We had had some good times together and she didn’t lack for anything a young bride could wish for. I had a good managerial job and every penny of my salary was spent on our home. I bought every modern expensive appliance she wanted, mirroring the lifestyle she was leaving behind at her parents’ home.
She wanted everything that I had provided for our lives together to remain solely with her. And that included Michael. She did not want me to be part of our son’s life. That was the rub. I was seeing a side of her that I had never seen before. I still don’t understand why she was so scheming and had so much venom in her blood. Were her friends egging her on to cause trouble?
The days passed by as we waited for a buyer to be found for the home. She appeared to be disinclined to sell, always putting on a sour face when potential buyers were viewing the property. The days turned to months. The months into years.
Living in this way and trying to hold down a job at the same time was not easy. My health began to suffer. I collapsed in the office twice in as many weeks. . Each time I got up and carried on with the job. I was never one to give in. My colleagues told me I needed to see a doctor. I made an appointment for the next day.
I had never seen my doctor so concerned. After taking my blood pressure and checking my pulse, he asked me questions about my lifestyle and what problems I had. Without saying a word, he wrote out a prescription to help with my obvious stress. My doctor insisted I stop work for at least a month.
I Felt Isolated and Bored
My lodgings now became my prison. I diligently took the medication prescribed but found myself sitting alone staring out of the window into the garden for hours at a time. My mind was in turmoil. This was the first time in my thirty-four year working life that I had ever been signed off work by a doctor. I regularly worked long hours, even after the bank had closed its doors.
I wasn’t like the big bosses who seemed to find ways of increasing charges and fees to customers. I had known my customers for many years, some had become friends. My customers relied on my advice and my door was always open if they had problems. I did not mind working hard if I could see they benefited from my efforts.
Now, my life was at a standstill. I had pleaded with my doctor not to keep me from work. That was my only outlet for normality. He refused, saying he would review the situation after one month.
During my forced incarceration, I sought refuge in my computer. It was to become my lifeline. Music from my CD collection was my sole companion. Sport and news on my small television set were my only contacts with the outside world.
Surfing the net one day, I stumbled on a travel site about countries in the Far East. There was a clip of people enjoying what seemed to be a very hassle free and happy existence. No worries, no stress, everyone appeared to be living a life without a care in the world. How I wished my life could be like that. Why can’t everyone live in that sort of harmony?
Totally different from my situation: sitting in front of a computer, not knowing what the future was holding for me, nothing to look forward to.
I surfed a bit more in my boredom. Then, somehow, I got onto a Thai social networking site and started chatting with some people. I started feeling less lonely, that someone out there was caring enough to talk to me.
A lady called Tasanee was on line. Obviously Thai, but I had no idea how you would pronounce her name. I laughed aloud when she wrote that she also had a nickname and was called Toy by her friends. We have nicknames in the West, of course. I had one in school but I’m not telling you what it was.
That was my first contact with Toy and the first time I had laughed aloud for a very long time.
My first excursion into Thailand, albeit a virtual one over a computer connection, was a positive experience for me. My life was returning. Or was I clutching at straws?
Toy was a 39-year-old teacher from the Northern Thai province of Chiangmai. She had one daughter; I had one son. I didn’t know the detail but sensed she’d gone through a rough patch in her marriage. Her husband had died, he said, in a road accident. Being 10 years widowed, she had thrown herself into her teaching and bringing up her only daughter, Kanya.
Toy Wanted a Foreign Husband
From our messages on-line, Toy came across as someone who genuinely wanted to settle down and enjoy a warm family life again. And at the time I didn’t think I was wrong in my judgment.
Later, I found it was Kanya who was encouraging her mother to “find a new husband for yourself and a father for me. Let’s be a family together again.”
It took me a little time to realise (and perhaps I still don’t fully understand) that a strong factor for Thai women in choosing a marriage partner is the security that it can bring to both themselves and their families.
Slowly, Toy began telling me about her married life with her late husband, Somchai. Her marriage to a Thai man had not been without its problems. She was going to be cautious about any future friendship and not make another mistake in her life.
Realising that a life without Kanya as her companion was fast approaching, she saw the logic of her daughter’s words. Kanya was becoming more self-confident and sooner or later would be making her own way in life. Toy had to start looking at her own future.
Richard – I don’t see him that often – told me that Thai women are submissive to their men. They’ll never argue with them and always do as they say. He said it’s a cultural heritage based on their feudal roots. I don’t think, with his limited knowledge of Thailand, that he can make those claims. It’s not my experience.
It was with Kanya’s help that Toy had found this social networking site. Actually, it was more like a dating agency to meet farangs.
Toy and I chatted a lot over the next six months, getting to know each other better. Behind the scenes, I later found out, Kanya was vetting some of the contacts on her mother’s behalf. Sometimes, when Toy was busy, Kanya was replying to e-mails and instant messages herself. Including mine!
Perhaps I should have seen that as a possible red light and thought more deeply about it; but I did not.
Toy was six thousand miles away, but for me it was as if she was sitting right next to me. I thought that a certain chemistry was beginning to develop between us. And we had never actually met! We started to understand our different national cultures. Much later, I was to learn a lot more about the big differences between Thais and foreigners.
Why Not Come to Thailand
Why not come Thailand. We meet each other? I suppose that the question was bound to crop up at some point but I was still a bit wary. It was a long way to travel. Although I had travelled before, this was going to be my first long haul trip. I admit to some fear and trepidation. I thought of many reasons why I could not go at this time.
The house had still not been sold. I had to consider how best to maintain my relationship with my son in the difficult circumstances that my ex-wife was creating.
I wanted to meet Toy and Kanya, but how would I cope having to leave and resume my granny annex existence. My mind was not clear what I should do. Would there be difficulties in being in a relationship with someone from another country? I declined the offer. Many foreigners had not been able to adjust to life in the Tropics. I knew as much from my trawling on the internet and chatting online.
The Christmas after my divorce was like an ordinary day of the week for me. Sitting on my own, allowing the contents of a bottle to block out the unhappiness I felt. The TV’s usual seasonal merriment failed to make any impression on me. Soon the programs were a blur and I drifted into an alcohol-induced sleep.
I had been divorced for three years when Toy suggested for the third time that I visit her in Thailand. Having experienced the saddest days of my life, I accepted. I had to do something positive. Where else was my life heading?
I booked a ticket for 10 March. Her fortieth birthday was on the fourteenth and I was determined to celebrate the event with her. I wanted to repay, in some small measure, the consideration she had been showing me during our chatting and messaging. I had no idea how birthdays were celebrated in Thailand but I was resolved to make it a happy occasion for her.
But now, our Thai Airways flight TG 911 bound for Bangkok was airborne.
Was I taking a big chance on this blind date?. Would others have booked and paid for a long haul flight to meet someone they’d never met face to face? Had I completely thought this position through? Was the nastiness of my divorce clouding my rational thinking?
And that was when the voice inside me kept saying:
Get off this plane now.
Click this link to see what’s coming next
https://understanding-thailand.com/escape-to-thailand-the-full-series/
