Planning a Future Under Pressure
Feeding The Cat
Derek describes Toy and Kanya’s modest home and nearby Chiangmai Sports Stadium. He begins to realise that Toy’s friends are planning the couple’s future for them. Back in England after this, his second trip to Thailand to be with Toy, he faces problems at work. The stress is aggravated by his ex-wife constantly referring to Toy as his Thai Whore. This results in his doctor increasing his medication.
With Christmas approaching, Derek decides booking a trip to be with Toy is his best option. He doesn’t want to experience a sad and lonely festive season ever again.
Although a buyer has been found for his English home, contracts have not yet been signed. Derek explains to Toy that in England a buyer and seller can change their minds at the last minute. The sale may not take place. However, to reassure Toy they start looking at houses to buy in Chiang Mai, where they can live together.
Problems arise when Toy insists on eating out regularly, sometimes at expensive restaurants. Derek doesn’t have an endless amount of cash.
I woke early on Sunday, leaving Toy asleep for as long as possible. I knew there was no respite in her working. She was due back at school by 10 am. As a boarding school, at least two members of staff need to be on duty at any one time. I woke her at 9 o’clock.
I was left alone all morning and for the first time I was able to visualise Toy’s life with Kanya. Although the accommodation was basic, Toy had made it a home to bring up her daughter. Yes, it needed a new coat of paint, and perhaps some modern furniture. But it was more than adequate as it was essentially only a place to sleep.
Toy’s computer was in the corner. The same computer that she and Kanya sat at for hours on end sending messages on the dating forums. Beside the computer were a two-piece suite and a single small chair. However, they were used to store even more books and papers. No room to sit on them. Thais are great hoarders.
Books and papers were piled nearby. Shoes, still in their boxes, were stacked neatly by the metal door that led outside. In front of the bed stood a cabinet on top of which rested the television. I saw in my mind’s eye both Toy and Kanya laying in bed at night watching the latest Thai soap. A double wardrobe, heaving under the weight of clothes, was one side of the TV.
Toy and Kanya evidently found the main living room comfortable, far better than that enjoyed by Toy’s father back in Tak. Most foreigners wouldn’t have liked it. It lacked the facilities they’d come to expect. Living with intermittent water, internet, and electricity supplies annoys many farangs living in Thailand.
My thoughts were interrupted by a scratching sound coming from the small balcony. Getting up to investigate, I opened the door and saw Brown, the pet rabbit, with his plastic bowl in his mouth. I took the hint, fed him, poured myself a coffee, and watched the world go by outside.
Chiang Mai’s Sports Complex
Toy’s home was close to Chiangmai’s sports complex, named Jet Roi Pee. The stadium was built in the 1990s to host the Asian games. The name, Jet Roi Pee, mans 700 Years and commemorate Chiangmai’s 700 years as a Lanna city.
The stadium has an impressive range of amenities including swimming pools, athletics circuits, and tennis and basketball courts. It’s very popular with the locals. You’ll see joggers and cyclists taking full advantage of the facilities particularly in the early morning and late evening. Thais are very much into fitness regimes. Out of town, it is quite common to see walkers and runners dodging the traffic and motor cycles.
This was only my second trip to Thailand. I could see that both Toy and I were having our futures planned and mapped out by her friends. Toy’s colleagues from school were seeing us as a couple, an item. Invitations to parties and social events came regularly during this second visit, as I was seemingly being groomed to Thai life.
I was conscious I was not always reading the body language of the Thais. I’ve never been good at that. I failed to see what was really in their minds.
My twelve days flashed passed and I was soon standing in the departure lounge at Chiangmai airport, Toy next to me. Her eyes were red from crying as, unlike my last farewell, she was alone. I wanted to stay to comfort her, to reassure her that we will be together again soon, but I could not give her false hopes and certainly could not make any promises to her that I may have to break. “Be strong,” I said, and making one promise I knew I could easily keep, “I’ll contact you every day”.
Problems at Work
Targets, targets, targets. I was being pressured to go for more business. Work, previously done by colleagues now made redundant, was increasingly being passed to me. The bosses were playing a nasty little game with most of my office colleagues, but the prime focus was me.
My doctor had put me back on medication for stress. My ex-wife was continually taunting me about my Thai whore. Rarely was I able to see Michael, though I did keep my promise to get in touch with Toy each day. At least that was something positive. It helped maintain my sanity. My evenings were spent messaging Toy or flicking from programme to programme on my TV.
I had no interest in seeking out my old friends, they wouldn’t understand my feelings anyway.
In retrospect, having a pint with the regulars in my local pub, the Red Lion, would have been a good idea. I may have got a more down to earth view of where my life was leading. A problem shared is a problem halved.
You lose a lot of “friends” when you divorce. No one wants to invite a singleton to a party.
I didn’t tell Toy about the problems at work or the non-stop abuse from my ex, but I think she realised all was not well. A woman’s intuition, I suppose.
I had booked another flight to Thailand for 17 December. I was not going to have a sad UK Christmas. I tried not to let the stress of the remaining days before the flight get to me.
Some Good News from England
At the airport, I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone. It rang loudly. My solicitor was ringing telling me a buyer had been found and wanted to exchange contracts before the end of December. With the Christmas break coming up, that was obviously a pipe dream. I could not, anyway, get off the aircraft and sign any documents.
It could wait until the first week in January and my return from Thailand. The ex had apparently agreed to the price at the last minute. It was very good news. I would tell Toy when we met but I’d also tell her things can go pear-shaped at the last minute. I didn’t want her hopes dashed.
Looking for Houses to Buy
Toy and I provisionally started looking for houses to buy. It was quite enjoyable, even exciting, to tour the moobaans (gated communities) and compare the different styles of housing available. We didn’t look at any houses outside the moobaans. Toy said most foreigners seemed happier to live where there was some security on hand (often 24/7).
She said I needed western style facilities, such as a clubhouse and communal swimming pool. I had not spoken to any Western friends, but she was probably right. In retrospect, I should have bounced the idea off them.
I didn’t realise, and perhaps she didn’t either, that these facilities come with a cost. And you pay whether you use them or not. Your water and electricity charges are higher than the costs levied by the utility companies. The developer will add on his own margin. Once the site is fully sold, security may not be so frequent and garbage collection may not be as regular.
Maintenance jobs may not be carried out. It depends on the developer. Some are better than others. Toy’s other point was that I’d meet more fellow Westerners in a moobaan than in a Thai village.
Richard had told me that you could not own land outright in Thailand. Even setting up a limited company, a possible legal way of circumventing the rules for individuals, was fraught with problems. The Thai revenue department often queried using a company to own your home rather than to run a legitimate business for profit.
As you still had to have 51% of your shareholders as Thais anyway, it didn’t seem sensible to pursue that route.
It’s difficult for Westerners to accept that they don’t own or control the home in which they live. It would never be their decision if they wanted to sell or move house. Some take a pragmatic view and pretend that there will never be any trouble. Sometimes, they are right. Sometimes, the man may find himself homeless and unable to recover the money he spent buying the house.
The courts will confirm that legally the house belongs to the Thai. It’s usually the wife’s family that encourages their daughter to sell the couple’s home.
On divorce, all assets are regarded as having been held jointly unless one party owned them prior to marriage. As a foreigners can’t own land, claiming he jointly owns the house because he paid for it, won’t work. All other assets are split 50/50.
Toy Gives Derek Advice
Toy said that many expats take out a 30-year lease from their wives. Signing a usufruct providing security of tenure for a period of time, normally 30 years or life, is a safeguard and is legal. Some lawyers had recommended taking out a “30+30 lease” where the Thai wife would extend the lease for a further 30 years.
However, that has never been tested in court and there is no specific statute that mentions its legality. In any case, the land is still owned by the wife.
For me, this was interesting but academic. Toy was not the sort of person to get into a relationship just for her own financial gain.
Toy was not keen to rent. Her home with Somchai had been rented but it is every Thai’s dream to own land and a house. Parents will strive to ensure there’s enough money and land available for their children when they get married. Not all families can realise that wish, but they all have that desire.
I could see Toy would feel more secure if we eventually married and owned a house together. (Perhaps together should be in inverted commas – it would never be in my name or joint names). It would be Kanya’s inheritance when we had both passed on. My own son could never inherit the home. It could not feature in my will.
There was logic in Toy’s thinking that we buy a house in her name and I accepted it. It would be difficult for Toy to explain to her friends and co-workers why we hadn’t bought a house. Thai culture expects foreigners to buy houses for their wives or girlfriends. They’d lose Face if they were still living in rented accommodation instead of owning land and a house.
We continued to look at properties while we did the usual tourist attractions and spent time with Toy’s friends. I was still in love with Thailand and this Thai lady was becoming very much a part of my life. I thought we could have a good life together. It would not be that different from living in the West. I could adapt to the way Thais live. We are all human beings; Thais aren’t that different from Westerners.
Cultural problems were, I thought at the time, being exaggerated. I could handle it.
Apart from my time in the schoolroom, I spent every other waking minute with Toy visiting places in and near Chiangmai. Most of them I had been to before but the buzz and atmosphere of being around Thais still held a fascination for me.
I wandered around the noisy and crowded street markets with their colourful stalls, stopped to taste the aromatic and freshly cooked snacks on offer. This life style was so unlike that of the West. I was falling for it.
We Rarely Had a Meal at Home
With the exception of breakfast, we seldom had a meal at home, as Toy preferred to go out for meals. Before she met me, it would have been most likely at a roadside stall similar to those I had myself discovered. This is where most Thais eat and the staple food is either boiled rice, fried rice, or noodles. A weak soup, made from the boiling water used to cook the meat dish, is often served free.
Chicken and pork are the favourites but you get only a few slices on top of your rice. A far cry from the “meat and two veg” I had come to expect in England.
It’s is the way Thais have always eaten, little and often. No problem for them. From very early morning there are always food shops open by the side of the road and in the markets.
After being with me, though, Toy acquired a fondness for the more up-market Thai restaurants. There was a greater variety of meats and fish on offer. Sometimes, the meals were plated for each individual – western style. At others, bowls being placed in the middle of the table for everyone to share and serve themselves.
I was used to the western style of dining and appreciated being in an air-conditioned room with opulent surroundings. But it was Toy that made the move to that way of eating. Even though she had never grown up in that style. Many Thais, when they are with foreigners, prefer to be seen in what some may regard as hi-so establishments.
These hi-so restaurants did, however, have the advantage that I met other expats there. It was comforting to have a conversation in English occasionally. My Thai hadn’t got any better and I knew I would never be able to master the language. I relied on Thais being able to understand my English or on Toy doing all the translating for me.
An up-to-date article on UK Employment Law. Problems at Work Explained
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/employment-status-and-employment-rights/employment-status-and-rights-support-for-individuals
Derek and Toy’s Story is complex. It’s forever changing. Twists and turns right up to the end. The following page shows the developments, without explaining how the true story ends.
https://understanding-thailand.com/escape-to-thailand-the-full-series/
