A Reality Check

Nolan and Daniel Explain Why Some Expats Thrive in Thailand While Others Struggle

Derek meets up with Nolan and Daniel over some beers. They discuss how their friends are coping with Thai life and culture.

From an opinionated American gay to a Parisian working here full time. Sophie lives with a Thai guy 20 years her junior, while Lucas was sold a house without a title by a Dutch company.

George is frustrated by Thai ways. Edward dated a Bangkok teacher, then moved on to an Isaan lady. They’re now happily married. Richard has a Ph.D. and is interested in Thai Cultural Anthropology.

My best Friend Owen died on the day before I started writing this post.

A Reality Check.

Toy sometimes stays in school for lunch instead of returning home for a meal we can share together. Today, as she did not come home and as I did not feel hungry, I poured myself a few drinks to while away the afternoon. I often have a liquid lunch nowadays. Two friends came round and we sat down to have a few beers and talk about some of the expats they know and how they are handling life in Thailand.

Nolan and Daniel get about much more than I do. They meet more people and understand Thainess better than I do.

They said Alex is a nice chap. An American gay who lives in a rented house with his young Thai partner, Ae. Alex inherited some money from his mum when she died and he splashes it around a bit. Sometimes he is a little opinionated, particularly when he wants Thais to behave more like Americans. His pet beef is the slow service he gets in restaurants and Thais never turning up on time for appointments.

His friends remind him that Thailand is not the 51st state of America. It makes no impression. He will never fully adapt to or appreciate Thai life. Nevertheless, he is happy enough living the way he wants to live. I don’t think he wants to integrate. He sees no benefit in doing so. No problem with that, it’s up to him.

It’s strange that, although he lives with Ae, he finds so much wrong with Thais and Thailand. It is almost a colonial outlook: that he is better than the natives. There are quite a few expats like that. Loving every bit of their life in Thailand but highly critical of the country and its people. Nolan said he knew many Thais who wondered why farangs who were that critical wanted to stay here.

Gabriel, is a Parisian and a manager for a French company operating in Thailand. He’s been here several years now and he’ll argue with a Thai and call a spade a spade. He says turning the other cheek and walking away does not solve problems. Whether they lose face or not, the job needs to be done properly — the way he wants it.

As the boss, he gives the orders. But it’s not the Thai way of doing things. Thai managers do not accept arguments from their workers but use a persuasive smiling approach when giving instructions. They have the advantage that Thais accept orders from those senior in the hierarchy.

Gabriel, as a farang, does not have that built-in advantage. He needs to get his workers on side. Maintaining good relationships with the labour force is vital in a business. My friends thought that he should strive for a better balance by accepting some cultural norms. But not letting them ride roughshod over his own way of getting projects completed on time. That won’t be easy.

In Thailand a wife does not have to take the surname of her husband. However, Gabriel’s wife, Panee, choose to do so. When the police were called to a traffic accident involving her car and a motorcyclist, they initially agreed the biker was at fault for pulling out in front of her. When the officer saw her driver’s licence with a French surname, he changed tack.

You have more money than he has. I think you should pay.

She did.

Gabriel’s wife, Panee, is convinced Thai police showed racism or xenophobia after they saw her driving licence.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racism_in_Thailand

Ladies With Young Thai Boys

Sophie, who is English, has lived with Nok, 20 years her junior, for several years but they live separate lives now. She rarely sees him but still spends a lot of money on him. Nok was never interested in meeting her farang friends. Initially, she claimed it was Thai shyness. I think she later understood that he wanted her financial support but not to share her life.

Sophie speaks reasonable Thai and integrates into the local community, helping at the local orphanage. Like all foreigners, she gets frustrated at times but she quickly catches herself if she is responding in a non-Thai way. She speaks calmly. Thais do not like argument or loud voices. She has more mai pen rai in her than most farangs. She understands you do not get too forceful or serious with a Thai.

What has helped her fit in? Not raising her voice, accepting a few inconveniences, not having too great an expectation from whatever a Thai does, and an understanding of the Thai values of Face, mai pen rai, and greng jai. 

https://understanding-thailand.com/everyday-examples-of-mai-pen-rai/

Sophie can be a little over generous in paying Thais for work done. Some will take advantage of her bighearted nature. She knows now that she was reckless in giving Nok everything he wanted.

As her bank balance declines – she is in her fifties, retired early, and has no job – Sophie is getting more careful.

Beware of Agents Selling Houses

A group of Dutch nationals had sold Lucas a house on a development but he did not get the specification that he had paid for. The property was nothing like the photos he had been shown during the slick sales promotion in the Netherlands.

He had been led to believe that he owned the house but in fact it was registered, as it has to be under Thai law, in the name of a Thai. The deeds were in the name of the Thai wife of one of the Dutch developer’s directors. It’s illegal for foreigners to own land under a nominee. The property is owned outright by the Thai.

Lucas continued living in the house with his Thai girlfriend but would not pay the final balance due under the contract. Court procedures would have dragged on for years and there were irregularities in the paperwork. The Dutch group did not pursue it but neither did he get any money back from them. The house stays with the Thai “nominee”.

When Lucas moves out the company will legitimately be able to sell the house to someone else.

He had met his girlfriend in a bar and also rented a nearby shop at a modest rental so that she could sell furniture from it. Long term it may have made a reasonable profit but the family moved in as “helpers” so there was no cash left at the end of each day.

While Lucas was in the Netherlands for a knee operation, I popped round to see Dokmai and was introduced to a man she called her brother. She took a phone call from Lucas and it was obvious she was not giving him the real details of their low daily sales. She asked for more money to buy stock.

A Dutch couple lived a few doors away from his house and they tried to warn Lucas about Dokmai.

Sometimes a same-nationality couple living together can see a situation more clearly than a man with a Thai partner. They were trying to help. But, it’s never wise to get between a guy and his gal, however tactfully or well-intentioned. Lucas didn’t, at first, accept what was going on.

Lucas had friends here and was good company. Everyone liked him. A pity it did not work out for him. He should have found a woman like Toy.

Lucas cut his losses and is now back in the Netherlands. Dokmai and the family are still running the furniture shop. The house is vacant.

George married a Thai and they lived in England for six years. Dasani is a nice lady apparently. George gets frustrated very quickly with Thai ways. Dual pricing, corruption, bad workmanship, Thai drivers, appointments never being kept, Thais not saying what they really mean. His wife tries to explain that Thais don’t do things in a western way. Because she has lived abroad, she  understands his frustrations.

Dasani enjoyed the UK. She saw that prices were higher but also that wages were better than those in Thailand. Those out of luck could fall back on the state.

She did not like the seriousness of the British people and that came across to her as being unfriendly. She noticed lots of regulations too. Can’t park here. Can’t park there. She was amused to watch people queuing, standing in line. No smiles at the supermarket checkout. However, Dasani coped with those western ways. George can’t hack the way Thais do things and gets so irritated.

Unfortunately, Thai wives don’t seem keen to give advice to their partners on Thai ways, and how they need to adapt to life here. They see it as arguing with their partners, when in fact it could be of immense help to them. 

Toy is the same. I wish she would put in plain words how I should react to certain situations. Thai culture is new to me and to many expats, they need some assistance in getting over culture shock and learning how to integrate, or at least live in harmony here.

Nolan, one of the friends who had come round, had read the book, “Thailand Fever,” last week and he is going to give George and Dasani a copy. Written by an American and his Thai wife, it is primarily about Thai-Western relationships and is a store of useful advice on how Thais and Westerners can get along together.

The book is in both English and Thai and encourages a couple to read it together. It would seem a great way for George and Dasani to look at what they both see as the petty annoyances of living in Thailand. I wanted Toy to read the book with me some time ago but she is too busy at school. A pity, we both need to understand why we think so differently.

https://thailandfever.com/book_reviews.html

Edward has been sensibly cautious. He was dating a Thai teacher in Bangkok for just under a year. They were getting on well together but increasingly there were demands for new clothes, and furniture. A new car was hinted at. He packed his bags.

After a little while, he found a very down to earth Isaan lady that shared his interests in life and, like him, enjoyed the outdoor country life. Mamuang (her Thai nickname, meaning Mango), has two teenage children who live with them. Edward waited two years before popping the question.

They seem to have a good life together. His friends like her. That’s always a good sign. A lesson perhaps: never rush in, think carefully on what could be warning signs, and appreciate that people from the East give out different body signals from Westerners. Understanding the culture is essential.

Edward had not been blind to the downsides of Thailand. Like many expats outside the forums, he could see the good and the bad. On balance, he likes it here and plans to stay. He does not understand all the ramifications of the cultural differences that he observes every day. That could be exasperating if it were not for Mamuang’s help and explanations.

Without some Thai input, some expats find they have an uneasy feeling while living here. I’m trying to get Toy to open up more and get me more up to speed on Thai ways.

Richard is fascinated by the Thai life style and is one of those farangs who observe carefully how Thais live their lives. He takes one long holiday every year with his English girlfriend, backpacking their way around Asia. Thailand remains his favourite destination. Jennifer is a little naive and does not always take in the subtler nuances that Richard understands. He is on the same wavelength as the Thai.

I thought he was a bit of a smarty pants at first but maybe he sees things differently from me because he’s not a permanent resident. In his emails he tells me I can’t see the wood for the trees.

Daniel, the other friend with whom I was having a drink, spoke of an English couple who teach in Thailand and who similarly understand Thai ways. The woman, whose name he had forgotten, told him of an incident where she had parked her car when she was doing some voluntary teaching in a government institution. She returned to find someone accusing her of having damaged another parked vehicle.

There was no point arguing, she paid up. She had understood that it was a way of getting a richer farang to finance a repair. If the authorities had been made aware of the episode, they may have stepped in, but she didn’t think it was worth causing a fuss.

Eighty-year-old Owen, who spent thirty years of his life here summed it up well:

There are things I don’t like about Thailand, but there are things I don’t like about England too. Go with the flow and take the rough with the smooth. You will be fine. I love this country. I’ll end my days here.

And he did. I learned today that he died last Friday. I wish his wife had told me earlier. I would have gone to the funeral. He was a good man. Owen had certainly carried out a reality check on his life in Thailand.

Our next post in Derek’s story, to be published on Thursday, will surprise you. There’s a heated argument between two of Derek’s friends, Rachel and Barry.

https://understanding-thailand.com/escape-to-thailand-the-full-series/

© Matt Owens Rees June 2026